You got a lot of fight left in you
I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. JWs are pacifists in that they do not register for military service or believe in any type of fighting unless it is self-defense. As a child I was taught to never defend myself but simply walk away. Well the reader can imagine what happens when word gets around school that you will only walk away. In short order I became the punching bag of the school. For years I avoided certain people and try to befriend really big introverts. It was basically survival till finally the day arrived when I had enough. I was a freshman in high school and sitting in a class. The biggest bully in school told one of his underlings to shoot me with a paper clip rubber band combo. I told them if he did I would come after the bully who was a Junior. Well the underling hit me with the clip. I recall the moment when I threw my desk to the side and it felt like my feet were not touching the ground as I flew up to the front of the class. The bully who was a head taller than me, looked at me with a smirk in his face and said, “What do you think you are going to do?” It was at that moment I truly felt rage. Anger and frustration from a thousand punches and pokes, feeling that I was somehow a coward and afraid to defend myself, the feeling of being held back and told that waiting on Jehovah would vindicate me. At that moment I realized Jehovah had nothing to do with it and it was just me. All that rage went into my right arm and before the final words left his mouth I hit him in the face as hard as I could. He had this strange look of shock on his face as he fell back against the wall. He quickly re-grouped and stammered, ‘I am going to kill you now!’ Well that was bold talk and we then wrestled around the classroom with desks flying everywhere. The teacher came walking in and broke up the fight. Interestingly he did not send use to detention and I think he was secretly glad to see someone stand up to the antagonist. From that moment I was forever changed and word got around school, no one ever picked on me again. They all knew that I had fight in me and was not going to take anymore. Bullies do not pick on fighters…
That life experience got me thinking to those in the XJW community. How often it is that you are told to submit and accept whatever the organization dishes out. Silly little men in charge of the congregation that have no business managing anyone, then there is the deity given to the Governing Body. They are basically Gods on earth that live without question for any mandate they choose to make no matter how insipid or ignorant. They are arrogant and haughty little demigods that flaunt their authority with little care for the weak and injured. As a JW you learn to live your life with answers you cannot question. They provide the answers and if you in any way question them then you are executed by being disfellowshipped as an apostate. At that point you lose all friends and family and cease to exist to them. This is a heavy club used to batter members into silence and beat them down with low self-esteem.
For many at some point you have a moment. That is when you feel much like I did in school. That is the day you decide you are tired of being walked on and pushed down and that you are never going to be bullied again. Often your first moment is when you face the elders. Your anger comes out and they use it against you as a way to kick you out. At that moment you realize the real fight has just begun. The rage remains with you as you fight to deprogram yourself from cult thinking, learning socialization, how normal people live and interact, starting over again to find new family, friends, a job, how to help your kids, salvage or end your marriage. Each thing that hits you is like a metaphorical poke in the chest that reminds you your past is still attempting to control you in some way and bully you back to the JWs.
But you know, you got a lot of fight left in you. Sometimes fueled by rage and others motivated by will to survive to a better place and never be bullied into silence again. There is freedom, but it comes at a high price when you leave JWs, yet that freedom is worth every dime. The ability to think for yourself, make your own choices and take responsibility for your life. The moment to be anything you want and be able to go for it without restrictions. Living to live a real life, instead of a fake existence. The moment that rage fills your body you are forever changed and can never go back to what you were.
It is a common expression that XJWS are “angry”. Hell yes, we are angry after living a life of being picked on and bullied we are now ready to fight. Our fight is not to bully someone else, instead our fight is to feel normal and not be held back. To find true friends that knows love without conditions. Build stability with the persons that surround us while avoiding situations and circumstances that would allow us to lose our freedom again. So when a JW comes up to you and says “Please return to Jehovah.” With a smirk on their faces like you are such losers. How could they not understand why we get angry? That is fighting words to an XJW! At that moment we want to smack them down for such an insulting, condescending comment to a person that has finally took back the power that was taken away by JWorg.
How do we feel? There is a song I listened to today that I think encapsulates that emotion. Look at the video and listen to the words. It is about the fight to freedom. You see there is moments when you will feel lost, depressed, frustrated, and at end, yet in those moments, you look yourself in the mirror and say, “We can do this.” That is the moment you see that you would rather live for one day as a free man than a thousand years as a slave. The moment when rage fills your body with adrenaline and you pick yourself up and say they are not going to beat me again. When you know it is worth it, to not give up, and find this amazing person that you are that has been repressed for so long.
The moment, when you know like a small boat on the ocean, sending big waves into motion, “you gota lot of fight left in you.’
Watch the video and see if you feel the same way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc